What Kind of New Yorker are You Based on Your Favorite Grocery Store?
This story originally ran as a Twitter thread dated April 28, 2020. It is being replicated here for posterity, along with a few notes.
Editor’s note: Consider it a retrospective on a single Twitter thread. After circulating widely around the New York twitter scene, a few big learnings came from the thread.
First, it’s the fact that only New Yorkers could take such a piece in stride. As it grew, there were jokes. Recognition. Appreciation. A little piece of you on display.
Second, the responses of “Where’s Food Bazaar?” “Where’s Patel Brothers?” “Where’s [tiny chain that only has two stores]?” told me that my shortcoming in indexing every grocery store revealed a true asset in New York life: the sheer amount of grocery stores the city has, for every person. Some local people felt slighted. People from out of town couldn’t even believe there were this many to begin with. I had to find a middle ground.
The third consistent critique was expected: “This sounds like it came from a transplant.” Well, you caught me! But a more interesting reality came to light via this response: the acceptance of this reality that New York is full of transplants. The sheer performance of the thread proved it. Many comments and replies included something like, “back in my day…”. but it wasn’t so much about being right or wrong or upset. It was an acceptance that these institutions change. The people using them change.
So right now, in 2020, this is how these grocery stores feel. But I’m just one guy who loves his city.
Gristedes
You’re 60+ years old. You live in Chelsea, and you’ve never left the island of Manhattan in your life. You worked for the court system. You are vocal about how much the city has changed.
Stop & Shop
You don’t live in Manhattan and you don’t feel comfortable going there. You have kids, and you drive a car to work. You visit your parents every Sunday. You love a good deal and off brand cereal.
Eataly
You don’t live in real NYC at all. Everything about your life is a sham. You shop for groceries here because you don’t actually cook anything, all you do is eat bread. You end up eating dinner here every time. You live on Union Square in that black glass building
Trader Joe’s
You are cosplaying as Andy from Devil Wears Prada. You are 6 billion dollars deep in student debt and you came from Indiana. You work as a receptionist or a dog walker. You have bylines in buzzfeed and unworthy.
Costco
You either live in a warehouse that was illegally subdivided into apartments, or you’re a Hasidic Jew. You take Ubers everywhere.
Union Market
You’re an eccentric rich guy and live in Brooklyn Heights or Park Slope. You have a townhouse all to yourself. ALTERNATIVELY: your landlord is a eccentric rich guy who owns the townhouse u live in the basement of.
Fairway Markets
You went bankrupt trying to survive in New York. You have possibly done insider trading. You eat to survive.
Citarella
You have a townhouse in UES and a pied-a-terre in FiDi. You have a house in the hamptons. You’ve never personally shopped there, but your staff brings back receipts from here frequently.
Foodtown
You are doing okay in New York after 6 years of being here. You’ve found your place, but you haven’t shaken the habit of grocery shopping like you have the space.
Bodega
You fundamentally understand. You might be a billionaire or homeless but it’s all the same. You’ve either never left New York or are here for the weekend. You indulge in the bullshit. You no longer know what a good price for something is. You relax in chaos.
Whole Foods
You love being seen. You go here at least 4 times per week but only buy shit like grain-free noodles or a single green pepper which you forget to eat. You are flirty and have mental sex with ppl in line. You have 2-6 roommates. Your parents are still married
Urbanspace
You have never stepped foot in a real grocery store and fundementally don’t understand the concept. Everything is expensed to your job. Your wife is Dutch or Spanish. You live within walking distance to an equinox
Zabar’s
You are Some type of European. You and your wife work at the IMF and you are familiar with the NYC social scene. Oysters and french fries are not an unusual weekday meal in your household. You’ll buy $600 worth of groceries and still get takeout from Vaucluse or Nello.
D’agostino’s
Your a 400th generation New Yorker. You have the accent. You summer in New Jersey. You might be a cop.
Ideal Food & Basket
People think you live by the airport. Your commute to work is at least 40 minutes. You think going to Coney Island is a pleasant weekend activity. You have 4 sisters.
Westside Market
It was the first supermarket you ever went to by yourself. You are just finishing your 7th year at Columbia, but you should be graduating in a few semesters. You have two boyfriends. You live off of a grant from the Turkish government and a stipend from your on-campus job
Morton Williams
You work as an illustrator of children books or you live in New Jersey. Either way, no one knows how you maintain your lifestyle. You’re 45-52 years old. You run in the New York Marathon every year. You’re no stranger to open mic nights.
Target
You actually work here. You buy 65” TVs regularly. You live off the last stop of the A train. You babysit for some extra cash. You think the Brooklyn Nets are a great team. Your dad is a manager at the MTA.
Key Food
You want to live in Greenpoint for some reason. You think NYC in the rain is romantic. You love going to Sheep Meadow on the weekends. You’ve dated someone who has been to jail.
Western Beef
You love theatrics and gimmicks. You own an outdoor grill. You’ve found yourself in scenarios where you need more than 50lbs of meat. You absolutely live in The Bronx.
Katagiri
You are either actually Japanese or did study abroad there. You have never paid your own rent. You have the complete criterion collection on DVD. You spend a third of your day pushing your 2-year-old around Gramercy Park.
Walgreen’s/Duane Reade
(Applies to both Walgreens and Duane Reade) You are truly counterfeit. You are resigned to gentrification. Unlike a bodega, you know you’re getting a bad deal and feel bad. You come here to use the free ATM. You know where the Pedialyte section is.
Wegman’s
Your are attracted to the concept of cooking. You live closer to Philadelphia than New York. You were at the opening day of the location in Brooklyn. You’ve taken pictures on the Brooklyn Bridge.
C-TOWN
You are a hoarder. You host award show watch parties. You have taken a fall road trip to Storm King at least twice. You actually use a cart when shopping. You have a terrier or similar dog.
Food Co-ops
You work here as well as in the local community garden. You use a bed sheet a window curtain. You drive a Volkswagen for some reason. You write poetry. Your friend raises chickens in the courtyard of your building.
Associated
You don’t mind eating expired food. You skateboard. You played Pokémon Go when it was super popular. You’ve sold stuff on Craigslist. You have a pet parrot or lizard.
Mr. Kiwi / Mr. Coco / Mr. Pina / Mr. Melon / Mr. Lime / Mr. Berry / Mr. Mango
You think going to one of these counts as an appropriate date activity. You salt and pepper your mangoes. You drink flavored San Pellegrino. Your life partner is a yoga instructor.
Link to the original post: https://twitter.com/shit_queen/status/1255518153456705536